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Review: McDonald's Cappuccino - Mocha McCafé - Freezy Boys

Review: McDonald’s Cappuccino – Mocha McCafé

Total Score

%

Uroborus

Summary: Offered a great pick-me-up after my morning routine. Much better than that stuff they serve at Starbucks or 7-11. Also, the good service at McDonald’s helped me overcome some social anxiety.

Be warned! They were so tasty that I may have drank a few too many! Haha!

 

Meal Context

I needed a quick pick-me-up after my morning routine: wake up at 4am, meditate for 20 minutes, resume sleep, wake up at 5am, medidate for 30 minutes, resume sleep, wake up at 6am, listen to ‘Toven’s 5th, stretch, and eat protein. Today (Saturday), my sleep-between-meditation was not satisfactory. Hence the pick-me-up.

I strolled into McDonald’s with a weary smile on my face. I was sort of tired, but ready to grab the day by its bull horns and snap to it.

“One 12oz McCafe Mocha Cappuccino, my good sir!” I exclaimed upon walking in.

I was told I would have to wait my turn for the other customers to order.

No worries, I thought, as my smile grew wider thinking about this great day, this great life, this Great Big Show we call Reality. Feeling at ease, I began to hum my favorite sequence from Toven’s 5th: bum-bom, bon-bun, bo-bo, bun-bun, bum-bom, bon-bun, bo-bo, bun-bun.

Right before I reached the order placement counter, the rancid smell of human waste beset my nostrils. I heard a distant moaning.

“Good God!” I exclaimed as I stepped up to the order placement counter.

“Sorry sir, but we don’t serve that here,” the bespeckled heathen retorted.

Startled by this interpretation, confused, and ashamed by the smell all at once, I placed my coffee order with my nose plugged.

No. I noticed my smile had faded. No. Turn that frown upside down. I strained to bring the smile back on my face. Yes, now. Grinning widely, I thanked the man behind the counter for his service.

Now I was really feeling it. Laughing, I jumped into the bathroom emitting smells. “Good DAY, sir!” I exclaimed, “I do hope you soon overcome your hardships!” I heard a muffled and strangely familiar tune playing alongside a few moans from behind the stall.

I quickly hopped back out into the restaurant to find my McDonald’s Cappuccino waiting on the order fulfillment counter for me.

It was time.

Meal Context Score: 7 out of 10

Taste

I took a sip. Sweet notes of mocha and premium bean. 

I took another. Wow! Like Starbucks cappuccino, but sweeter.

I took a third. This is really good. Not as good as they have in Italy, but this might be the best we can do stateside.

Feeling hungry, I decided to order a few Big Macs from my friend at the service counter. By this point I had finished my first cappuccino and decided to order another one. Vanilla this time.

The vanilla was even better than the mocha, and it actually complemented the Big Mac sauce well.

All these yummy tastes had me feeling ready for my afternoon meditations and naps!

Taste Score: 8 out of 10

Look

These McDonald’s gentlemen (and gentlewomen) are true masters of their craft coffee presentation. The drink was a soothing light brown. Like brown sugar, or a friendly golden retriever that rolled around in the dirt for a bit. The cream on the top was like a light fluffy cloud floating through the sky on a perfect day. The chocolate drizzle looked like a smiley face to me. Cute!

The design was so splendid, in fact, that I couldn’t help but order a third.

I’ve certainly had my problems with caffeine consumption in the past. My family AKA “haters” call it addiction. Back in my day, I would listen to ‘Toven’s 5th-8th while sipping away. Now that was beautiful. Before I started meditating I would drink so much caffeine. Eight-to-ten cappuccinos per day.

Anyway, I quickly finished the third cappuccino and ordered a fourth along with a side of fries. 

Look Score: 7 out of 10

Stomach Effects

Uh oh. By the time I finished my fourth drink, I felt the rumblings. They were like a double bass French Bow in ‘Toven’s Sixth. Excruciating.

I struggled to finish my fifth cappuccino while rocking back and forth in my chair. The bass vibrations made me dizzy, and I began to question where I was, what I was, and–most of all–where the bathroom was.

I tried to smile like I could before, but couldn’t. The best I could aim for was a strained neutral expression. Hopefully I didn’t upset the other diners! Haha!

In a daze, I stumbled into the restroom. Occasionally moaning, I hummed some ‘Toven to myself while rocking back and forth. A man came in and wished me a good day.

That’s when I realized. That was my past self was wishing me a good day. The McDonald’s McCafe must have me stuck in some sort of infinite time loop where all I could do was repeat the cycle of order/bathroom/order/bathroom.

I utilized the free WiFi to write this review and now I’m anxiously waiting to be sucked down the toilet/wormhole to do it all over again. So much for my afternoon meditations!

Anyway, infinite time loop aside, be warned, readers, that five of these coffees will hurt your stomach quite a bit.

Stomach Score: 2 out of 10

Pros & Cons

pros

L

Tastes good and friendly service.

L

Incredible design! Enhances experience.

L

Great for a mid-morning or mid-day pick-me-up.

cons

K

May get stuck in infinite loop.

K

Will hurt your stomach.