Review: McDonald’s Fresh, Raw Beef
Praise Be Beef
Summary: We should be on our hands in knees, truly in the filth and the Covid, praying to a merciful God to let us just eat one more of these burgers. Do anything but take away our McDonalds fresh beef. I could wait here forever, but I know Chrysanthemum’s coming soon.
I hadn’t had fresh beef in four years. Reminds me of Wifey now. Sitting in this McDonalds with my mask filled with beef. Let me start at the beginning.
I used to work at a slaughterhouse, okay? In the I.T. department, but still. Although there were some automotive technology and specialized data collection for the fatal processes that take Betsy to burger, most parts of the job you simply don’t get used to. Anyways, let’s just say I met my soulmate at work, and we soon fell in love.
This beef is so fresh, sometimes I just push it through my teeth and let it swish around outside my lips for a while. No one can see in my mask, right now, crouched on the bench so as not to touch the wet disgusting floor, waiting for Wifey. I think about the infectious chemicals on the tile, savoring loudly. It’s actually rather pornographic, on the inside, what with between me and the fresh beef.
She had nice teeth. We caught eyes one morning, as I found my parking spot outside the factory. I said hello, had seen her around, and walked over to chat. It was a dreary kind of slightly rain soaked day, no sunlight in sight but still so vivid in its gray gloom. And on my drive in I remember the shining aluminum illumination of the parked cars’ tops sprawled against the blacktop. And there further across my windshield that black and white schema again, cars and the cows alike. My boss kept telling me to call them “Cattle.”
Meal Context Score: 8 out of 10
What most people don’t know is how terrible frozen beef is. And how you’d cry if you ever ate at a place like F*ve G*ys, or Pl*net H*llywood, especially these days. They’re reimagining the meat market. They’re bringing freshness and fresh beef to the customer. It’s in their core menu, the quarter-pounder, God’s gift to man (as I hope to soon also bestow such a gift for Wifey!), and they just leap-frogged over the competition, Sh*ke & Sh*ck, Wh*t**b*rg*er, with a fresh fr*ckin’ burger. Wife’s gona sh*t. Sorry to be profane, but this stuff is real.
We went for walks on my break. We talked. I talked. Her boss would see me and remind me it’s not my department, I didn’t care. I kept installing viruses on his computer to keep coming back. I saw her every day in the evening, right there in the parking lot, and from there we would go. She doesn’t work there anymore. Not since we first made love. Not since that night.
They moved to fresh burgers in the spring of 2018. This was soon after we began seeing each other. The freshness, you see, it burns quicker and juicier. It tastes better. Did you know that there’s over 20,000 mcdonalds in the United States, if you include airports and Wal-Marts? That’s not nearly enough. Their food tastes so good. You’ve had the McDouble, how just that pinch of salt takes the taste to another level. That costs $1.39 American. Are you kidding me? Can you beat that price? I order twenty-five more McBurgers on my phone, because Wifey will be hungry.
I used to think differently about politics. I think I had a lot of anger at the world, at the people in power, and at the inhumanity that they caused. I used to argue with my coworkers about this constantly. I even used to argue with Chrysanthemum. That was her name. I used to get so upset and not see her for days, weeks.
Taste Score: 10 out of 10
I approach the counter when my app tells me to.I stand six feet away and aim my stomach at the counter, where the burgers will be placed before me These McDonalds employees don’t make eye contact with me. Which is good. They can smell the beef. Sometimes it’s nice, being all alone in here with them.
I also used to have a masters in biochemistry. I used to do a lot of research and experiments, before I found myself working at the slaughterhouse, trapped in a room with computers all day. I used to have access to a lot of labs and chemicals. I used to draw up plans.
Back at my table, with my feet off the floor and my shoes off, for Covid reasons, and I can’t just help myself but have another fresh beef burger, the McDouble. I slide it into my thick black face mask. I start to text Wifey, but decide against it. She’ll be here.
Look Score: 9 out of 10
I told her where we’d meet. I told her how she could safely get away. When it all happened, in the lust of the hair and the morning gloom and the soft udders, when we conceived our plans with the devil, I had no choice but to discard my plans and proceed promptly, like a man. I let her out and told her where we’d meet and she went. And I drove home and packed up the truck and loaded all my tools and drove all the way back and down the ranch past the acres of beautiful Betsys and right and up to the front office door, waiting.
Is McDonalds fresh beef the best food on the market? Of course not. It’ll never top your first scoop of ice cream or maybe the lobster dinner on your 50th wedding anniversary. But it is pound-for-pound, buck-per-beef the testament to the mother of all meats. We should be so lucky to have access to the golden McDouble but once in our life. We should be on our hands in knees, truly in the filth and the Covid, praying to a merciful God to let us just eat one more of these burgers. Do anything but take away our McDonalds fresh beef. I could wait here forever, but I know Chrysanthemum’s coming soon. We don’t deserve it, to consume such pleasures, day after day. We trespass on this nectar of the titans and the gods and the gods of gods. I stare at the employees. They don’t know how good they’ve got it.
Stomach Score: 10 out of 10
Pros & Cons
Legendary Raw Beef.
Gift from the Lord Almighty.
Lost My Family & Job.
No Other Complaints.
Oh my goodness! Incredible article dude!
have pulled off some sort of Houston-adjacent, Texas-BBQ effect. Unfortunately, fast-food bacon is usually a disappointment and rarely worth the upcharge, and here it was crispy, brittle, and tasted of all salt, no pig. In 2018, McDonald’s switched the patties in its Quarter Pounders to “100% fresh” beef, and honestly, I prefer the fakey flavor of the old kind of patty, which I believe is still being used in Big Macs. This was probably just a one-off, but the bubbles in that medium Sprite did not hit hard enough. I dare say, it was almost