Review: Red Baron Pepperoni Pizza – Brick Oven

Total Score



Summary: Good pepperonis. Didn’t make me look fat in my nanosuit. My new girlfriend likey. Some good, soggy cardboard right here!

Meal Context

Tokyo, babies. Guess the superstarlet who just turned 18 and hit me up on Instagram this morning. Hint: It’s not Willow Smith. I was in town for a suit fitting— nanotechnologic fiber lining, basically syncs your whole freaking suit with your phone bro.
Anyways, Willow (not WIllow Smith) is coming over to just eat like crap food and do nothing before she goes out and has the loudest, most expensive night of her young life so far which I won’t be able to attend because I’m going to be in Shanghai by then, in my nanosuit. I tell my assistant to tell Alexa to tell Willow, “Come over. I got frozen pizza.”
Anyways, after we tickled each other in my 16-foot bed I thought I’d throw in a little Red Baron, a known classic. Remember never to eat frozen pizza before physical activity, or it’s gonna be a bad time. Triple P considers this a Pizza Con.
Never tell me when to tickle, got it?

Meal Context Score: 7 out of 10


I could barely taste the thing. And no, jackass, Dad, it has nothing to do with my $1,000 a day coke spending. The pizza’s so damn hot. It will burn your taste buds like Hiroshima. And I’m saying that from a hotel top-floor penthouse suite in Japan. But just like my fellow Japanese peoples, we’ve all gotten past that mega burn, and learned how to enjoy some pizza.
This stuff’s got a real soggy but edible crust. If you burn it just right, at some unknown point between 18 and 22 minutes, you get that exquisitely bland cardboard texture that really hits the spot. Usually the sauce and cheese are so hot you don’t exactly taste them. So the pepporonis are the only good part. Thing is, these peps are hard and crispy and can do damage at the right velocity and angle. Bite on the edge of one wrong, it’s liable to flick up into your face like your teeth done went and stepped on a pepperoni rake. Classic. I laughed and laughed, watching the hot pepperoni burn the tip of Willow’s nose.
Hands down one of best frozen pizzas on the market.

Taste Score: 7 out of 10


This pizza looks find, kind of…. stupid. I guess. I don’t really know. Eduardo prepares all my food before 2pm. He said it looked like a frozen pizza if you cooked it.

Look Score: 5 out of 10

Stomach Effects

Willow (turns out not her name) was a piece of crap liar and couldn’t stomach the Red Baron. Guess she can’t stand guys with a little elbow grease. Anyways, I called security while she was in the can. Her ploppage sounded like machine gut patter so I told them they might have to use force. Then I promised to pay all the security guys an extra 1,000 bucks cash to refer to her only as Machine Gun Kelly (her real name was Kelly turns out) while they were removing her from the scene. Real nice guys. She’s probably dead. Me? I was fine, I mean, physically at least. I had to wait 20 minutes on the tarmac before getting to Shanghai. Didn’t have to poop the whole time. Even got a massage, no trouble whatsoever. You eat as much frozen pizza as me, they say, and your body’s soon to just start absorbing this stuff like the wet edible cardboard it is.

Stomach Score: 8 out of 10

Pros & Cons


Nanosuit looked tight and I was only a little bit gassy.
Good pepperonis.


Super basic.
So hot it burns your tongue, which I don’t care because whatever people think I’m a nihilist anyway.