Review: Seapak Shrimp Scampi (Wow… Weird Experience with These Shrimpies!)
Summary: A tale of love and heartbreak. Me, a few boxes of shrimpies, and the love of my life.
Strange events occurred that, ultimately, resulted in my sweet, sweet love slipping through my fingers.
Where to begin with this one? My microwave? The grocery store? The mud? The sea? The Seapak Shrimp God himself laughing heartily?
It all started when my sweet darling love Belma Roastaug asked me, her sweet darling Oscar, for a romantic evening after a successful first date at the theatre. Much obliged and overjoyed to hear such a request, my love! I said back to her. My heart swelled with joy at the thought of Belma, happy and chewing on a succulent dish cooked up by yours truly, Honorable Chef Oscar. Her eternal love would be mine!
We set the date for two days from that moment: Thursday.
I hummed my way through my job at the office as it was all I could do to keep my wide grin from cracking my face in half. Sometimes I couldn’t even help it and would burst into spontaneous song: Ho Ha! Ho He! Hoey, ohey, oh! My love, sweet Belma! He Ho! Youuuu are mine!
Thursday finally came, and I had a theme in mind: seafood. I’m not a natural cook myself, but I saw this delicious looking box of “Shrimp Scampi” from Seapak that caught my eye in the frozen foods section. I plopped a few boxes into my basket and grabbed some lemons as well.
Somebody at work had told me that shrimp is a powerful aphrodisiac, so I rubbed some over my body before placing into the oven at 400 degrees (Fahrenheit, of course). Boy, was I going to knock her socks off.
I emptied all three boxes onto a trey and put them in the oven. The shrimpies came out nice and piping hot after about 10 minutes, and I transferred them to the fridge from there to serve up some chilled shrimpies (more of a turn on for date night than hot shrimipies).
Fast forward 20 more minutes. The candles were lit, the mood was set, and Belma sweet Belma walked through the door in a sweat.
Greetings my love, my sweet and dear love, do I have a yummy surprise for you! I sang. Belma said hello, and that this seems like quite a lot for a second date. She gave an uncomfortable smile but, you know what they say, uncomfortable is just a close cousin to very comfortable. I knew that I’d win her over yet.
Meal Context Score: 7 out of 10
Sensing I needed a win, I whistled my way over to the fridge to retrieve some those chilled shrimpy scampies.
I placed them in a serving bowl on the dining table and grabbed some lemons from the fridge. To make an impression on my sweet Belma, I locked eyes with her while squeezing the lemons onto the shrimpies. I tried to give her my sexiest look. She seemed a bit uncomfortable, but I knew all that would change once she tried the shrimpies.
It was time. I gestured for Belma to open her mouth then, when she gave pause, gestured more impatiently until she obliged. Here you are my sweet, sweet dear Belma, I said as I closed her mouth for her.
A chew. A swallow. A gulp. My Belma then spoke: It’s, um… A little… um… Chewy.
My beaming smile quickly turned to a frown. Ha! She just needed another. That one must have been on the edge of the pan in the oven. I insisted she try another.
Belma said that she had to go, but it was nice very nice to spend time with me and thanked me again for the shrimp. She also said I smelled strange, like shrimp. She actually seemed a little afraid as she left. Ha! So strange!
Got to give a pretty low taste score here since my sweet Belma left early.
Taste Score: 2 out of 10
Sitting all alone now. Sad my Belma has left. Just me and the shrimpies. And silence. And hurt. Deep hurt.
There’s a sea, nay, an ocean of tears. And the tears run dry. And I grab the remaining lemons. And I squeeze the lemons onto my eyes to manufacture more tears.
And then. Someone else. I feel eyes on me. I am no longer alone.
I look into the shrimp bowl. The shrimpies have eyes and they are staring back at me (see picture above for dramatic representation).
The shrimpies began to sing: Oh sweet Belma, we know you will return. Oh dear Oscar, you know she will return.
I felt better after the song, but those shrimpies with eyes really creeped me out! Since this is a “look” score, I’ve got to be pretty negative here even though their song made me feel better.
Look Score: 3 out of 10
Belma never called. I waited days and days. She still didn’t call.
Yes, my heart ached something decent. But, nay, my stomach felt fine from the shrimpies.
Stomach Score: 8 out of 10
Pros & Cons
Pretty cheap, was affordable to buy three packs.
Sang me a comforting song after my love left me.
Didn’t win Belma’s heart.
Caused gas that cleared out son’s entire video game tournament.